Blended Love Supports Teachers

Teachers have been on my heart lately, probably because of the start of a new semester and my talks with Monica about the challenges facing teachers today.

Teachers are trying to manage classrooms where over half of their students are struggling after divorce…They have 30 students with many more parents and homes to manage, tears to wipe, and distractions to address. They spend more time counseling and handling discipline problems and less time teaching academics. It’s hard to teach reading and math to kids who are distracted by what is happening at home.

Blended Love is trying to help — by giving kids the tools to cope with change and teachers the tools to help their students. We’re working on getting our Calm Classrooms curriculum online, so teachers everywhere can take our staff development course. In the meantime, we offer free web-based resources in our Teacher’s Tool Box — to help them manage communication in the new classroom and help their students to cope positively, so the kids can go back to focusing on their studies and their role: being a child.

Teachers have hearts to educate the student, to help children to reach their potential. A friend posted this video on facebook. It immediately made me think of the teachers we work with at Blended Love, teachers who want to help children develop intellectually, socially, and emotionally. These teachers know that the academic work doesn’t come easily when you neglect the other aspects of the child. Watch the video “The Heart of a Teacher” to see for yourself!

The birth of the Blended Love’s Library Resources program

Blended Love founder Monica Epperson and I had our weekly Blended Love meeting today, and she shared a story with me about the birth of our Library Resources program, in which we donate books to the school library and give a single book to every child.

Before Blended Love was born, Monica read her children’s book A Heart With Two Homes to all of the fifth grade students at Skelly Elementary, and then donated three divorce/fiction books to the school library. These books about divorce were checked out frequently, more than the other books — and then a student stole them. Then Monica replaced them, and the books were stolen AGAIN! These books were so helpful to the kids, and the kids wanted them so badly…that they stole them.

So Monica began donating a book to every child, and a preliminary version of our Library Resources program was born. Since then, Blended Love has donated over $7,000 in books to children, books about divorce and family changes. Click the link for more information about our programs.

Blended Love Summer Update

You know when you plan to write a number of articles for your blog, but it just doesn’t pan out? That’s what July and August have been like for me. We had the kick-off interview for Child-Centered Divorce Month on June 30 on KTUL in Tulsa, the online promotion of the “Four Ways to Create a Child-Centered Divorce” article, the Fox 25 interview in Oklahoma City, with tours of the Bethel Foundation and the Oklahoma Marriage Initiative offices the same day, and the benefit nights for Blended Love: Spirit Night at Chick-Fil-A on July 22, and our first ever ‘dress-up’ benefit on July 29, which happened to be Bobby’s and my four-year anniversary. The event was called “Old Bags and Bling”. We auctioned off gently-used designer handbags and lots of beautiful home decor items donated by Carpentree, and collected gold to fund our programs, thanks to Tulsa Gold & Gems. Our goal: to share our mission and vision for Blended Love with all of those in attendance, and to inspire those who were motivated by their own hearts to give — by sharing with them our programs, our intention, and our story.

I shared my own experience as an adult child of divorce. I shared how I witnessed my sister Sara Gene pulling out her hair, and how I lost my sister Jade for ten years as she made many choices that she would later regret (She is now doing well and has been for several years. She’s doing everything within her power to make sure that she doesn’t backslide. To me, she is one of the strongest and most beautiful people in the world, because of her struggle and what she has overcome).

I shared with the attendees that my sisters and I were not alone. There are many children of divorce who feel the need to care for their siblings, whether their parents put that pressure on them or not. There are many children who do this to themselves, like I did. Read Judith Wallerstein’s The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce for more information. There are many children who pull out their hair (it’s called trichotillomania), and otherwise manifest their anxiety physically. Still, there are many like Jade, acting out, engaging in behaviors they don’t like, behaviors they themselves don’t understand…all in an effort to cope with the changes in their lives. While there are some that have it better than we did, many are coping in ways that are much, much worse. But every child copes in the best way they can. Blended Love exists to help children cope positively.

In 2009, God arranged for a meeting. Heather Rouba, Mrs. Oklahoma 2009 (who shared a platform with me — we both have hearts for children and families), suggested I contact Monica Epperson, a woman who ran a nonprofit in Tulsa, aimed at supporting children of divorce. Monica had been praying for a partner, and I had been praying for a way to really help (I had hit some road blocks when I attempted to help children of divorce on my own). Together, we found that we could help so many children…Each of us had found her match in each other. While we run school-based programs — secular programs aimed at helping children to manage their emotions well and helping the teachers and parents in their lives to support them — we also shared a common faith. Both of us pray for the children and teachers we serve every day and both of us are learning to “let go and let God” which is a powerful and beautiful thing for these two type-A personalities…who were accustomed to taking on responsibility that wasn’t theirs. We’re young but our experience makes us old souls. We know what it’s like, because we are Adult Children of Divorce.

After sharing our message about our reason for being, our journey to each other, and our programs: the Change Agent Journal Program (which is our hands-on work with kids in pubic schools), Calm Classrooms in Turbulent Times (our teacher’s course, helping the classroom teacher to manage the changes to today’s classroom…to create calm classrooms in turbulent times), and our Library Resources program (Our book donation program, in which we donate divorce/fiction books to schools and aim to give every child a book) — after all of this, we showed a video of the outstanding people who make all of this happen (our incredible board and volunteers), along with the kids we serve.

I could not be more grateful to Spencer Fisher and Tulsa Gold & Gems for organizing our party and helping us to help children of divorce here in Tulsa. I believe with my whole heart that this movement will spread throughout the nation — and it must begin now. There are children who are suffering every day. The sooner we help them, the better. We are so grateful for the fundraising opportunity and the chance to share our message. Spencer is one of the most generous and gracious people I know and I’m grateful to know him. I believe that as we continue to focus on service and the precious kids we serve, that the donors and grants will come to meet this need in our community.

Very few people are helping these kids — people see them as resilient and not needy, or people see them as broken and lost. We’re one of the few organizations that sees solutions: We know these kids are at risk, but we also know that it doesn’t have to be that way. It all comes down to teaching kids how to manage their emotions well — so we give them the skills, the tools, of emotional intelligence, equipping them for life. Then this “risk” has become an opportunity to develop perseverance, courage and inner strength. What could be better than that?

So now it’s August! LOL We’re over half-way through the month and we have been busy, preparing for big changes within the organization. Kids are going back to school, and so is Blended Love. We’re gearing up to implement fall programs. We’re enlisting the help of all of the wonderful, passionate, and intelligent people that believe in our cause. We’re meeting with the teachers who will soon welcome us into their classrooms. In short (or not-so-short! LOL), we’re gearing up to grow. This year, Blended Love has become less about us (the leadership) and more an entity all its own. While our programs are secular in nature, this is God’s ministry (in my eyes). We use practical business techniques to make sure Blended Love serves children, families, and teachers well into the future, and we use child development and social & emotional intelligence research, to ensure that our programs have a scientific foundation. It’s my belief that truth is truth. I love science — but science has been catching up with God’s truth from the very beginning. Based in truth supported by research, coupled with compassion and experience, I’m praying for God’s guidance and favor as we go into the future.

On our agenda:

• Finishing the online-version of Calm Classrooms in Turbulent Times, our staff development course
• Purchasing supplies for fall programs
• (Possibly!) finding an office space
• and gearing up for Chili on the Square, our annual chili fundraiser event, taking place Friday, October 15 in downtown Tulsa.

So that’s the news from Blended Love, with my personal spin on it! Let me know if you’d like to help or learn more!

SashaMTownsend@gmail.com

Blended Love interview on Fox 25

Blended Love’s founder Monica Epperson and I were interviewed on Fox 25 in OKC for National Child-Centered Divorce Month. Follow the link to watch our interview.

Four Ways to Create a Child-Centered Divorce

Few people get married with the intention to divorce, but sometimes, due to irreparable damage, divorce is best case scenario for everyone involved. Children will likely be sad, angry, and shocked. You can’t save your kids from those feelings, but it’s up to you whether your children experience security and understanding versus anxiety and self-blame. Parents have a great opportunity to promote feelings of safety, security, and understanding after divorce.

In honor of National Child-Centered Divorce Month, we wanted to provide four easy-to-remember ways that you can create a child-centered divorce.

First, know the warning signs.

Watch for physical manifestations of anxiety, such as hair-pulling, bed-wetting, tummy aches, and other physical symptoms. Often young children don’t know how to articulate their feelings, even to themselves, and these physical symptoms result.

Also, watch for problems in school. Acting out behavior or learning difficulties are common in school-age children, and a risky rush into poor adolescent coping mechanisms, such as promiscuity, drug use, and gang involvement, are more common in pre-teens and teens.

Third, watch for perfectionism. If your child seems to have no reaction or feelings about the divorce, is extremely eager to help and to please his/her parents, and acts as if nothing has changed, it is possible that your child is trying to hide his/her feelings from you, and he/she may be coping by trying to take responsibility and control over his life. While taking ownership of one’s life is a positive way to cope, some children do this as a form of self-protection. They compensate for their worry about their parents’ ability to guide and protect them, and they seek to protect their parents, taking on a lot of responsibility that isn’t necessarily theirs to take. This is most common among children who excel academically. Still, many children deny the reality of the divorce and associated changes because that is the best way for them to cope at this time. In any case, this reaction should serve as a warning: your child may need help.

Finally, any drastic changes in behavior, or drastic contrast between your child’s behavior at school and at home, serves as a warning. If you notice these warning signs, you’ll want to pay special attention to how your child is coping with divorce.

Second, encourage your child to express his feelings in healthy ways.

Bibliotherapy, or reading stories with characters your child can relate to, is one way to cope positively with family change.

Let your child know that you are concerned about how he is feeling and that you want to help. Encourage him to acknowledge his feelings and his wishes about what would have happened. Help him to look for the good in a bad situation and define a positive way to cope with his feelings.

Keep in mind that children will look to you as an example of how to cope positively with uncomfortable emotions. Choose not to wallow in these feelings or deny them completely. Both extremes are unhealthy. As your child witnesses you coping well, he will learn from your example.

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A heart-to-heart lets your child know that you are thinking of her and that you will keep her informed.

Third, let your child know what he can expect to change, and what he  can expect to stay the same.

When you explain the changes that are coming in the near future, you give the child opportunity to mentally prepare for them. When you identify those aspects of his life that will not change, you give him some constants he can hold onto.

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Fourth, come up with a great coparenting plan.

Most couples try to create a united front when it comes to parenting when they are married. It is even more important that parents stick together and have a consistent parenting plan after divorce, because of the child’s needs for structure and the security that comes from knowing that he has competent, caring parents.

Even if your marriage did not work out, if you can come up with a plan that keeps your children front and center, so that you are working as teammates, as parents, for your child, your child will fare much better after divorce.

The Gift of a Child-Centered Divorce

I originally called this “Four Simple Ways to Create a Child-Centered Divorce”, but then I realized that creating a coparenting relationship and teaching your children healthy emotional coping skills are two tasks that are anything but simple. If you’d like more information on how to implement these tips, such as how to create a great coparenting relationship, or how to help a child to cope positively with his feelings, stay tuned, or better yet, subscribe to the blog and I’ll email you when I add a post! I’ll be adding more posts on these topics soon.

These four great ways translate into uncountably many child-centered actions. By recognizing your child’s need for your intervention, addressing his concerns & feelings about the divorce, telling him what will change and what won’t, and drafting a great coparenting plan with your ex-partner, you can create a child-centered divorce and raise secure, confident, well-adjusted kids. These ideas and the actions you take based on them lay an excellent foundation for your child’s future and his future relationships with you and your ex-spouse.

We all have to deal with changes and uncomfortable feelings, and some of those experiences are not pleasant. Parents can prepare their children to cope in positive ways. If we teach children how to cope well with divorce, we give them the skills to cope positively with changes for life, and that is a true gift. Give your children the gift of a child-centered divorce.