Children need

  • security, structure, and stability,
  • emotional support and guidance, and
  • positive examples of healthy relationships and emotional management skills.

These needs are particularly salient after divorce.

The best ways to help your children after divorce are just actions aimed at meeting these needs. No one can meet your child’s needs better than you can, and no one understands your child and his needs better than you do. There are many ways to meet these needs. You may want to brainstorm the ways that are best for you and your children. Here are nine ways that you can help meet these needs, to get started.

  1. Be available to talk to your children.
  2. Listen with empathy to your child’s feelings and concerns. Most children want to open up to their parents, to seek comfort and your guidance, and to protect you, from his own sadness, anger, and uncomfortable feelings. When your child opens up to you, your response will determine whether your child chooses to share his feelings with your in the future, or try to cope on his own to protect you. Avoid advice-giving attempts to rescue the child from his feelings and avoid defensive reactions. Instead, reflect back your child’s concerns and the feeling behind them. Then he will feel validated and heard. By listening, you can assess what really concerns your child, rather than relying on your observations or typical reactions to divorce. Don’t worry. The more you listen with empathy, the more likely your children will be to seek out your advice. When they seek your wisdom, you will have the understanding to respond with sensitivity and awareness of the child’s concerns.
  3. Outline what will change and what will not change after divorce. This helps your child mentally prepare for the changes and keep them in perspective.
  4. Keep promises and avoid making promises too swiftly. When your children know you are dependable and reliable, it not only helps them to feel safe and secure but improves their self-image and their image of you as trustworthy. By keeping your word, your children are likely to do the same.
  5. Reassure your child that he still belongs to a loving family. Because of the stigma surrounding divorce, many children feel that their family is broken or different, and that there is something missing in a nontraditional family. The truth is that families come in many shapes and sizes. Assure him that you will continue to love him and be there for him, even in this new family constellation.
  6. Define appropriate boundaries and consistently enforce them. After divorce, the primary custodial parent often feels overwhelmed, and this leads to inconsistent enforcement of boundaries and household rules. We also hear a lot about the “Disneyland Dad” or the “Disney dad“, who spends his time-limited weekends with his children, taking them on extravagant outings and offering few rules or guidelines in his time with them. While there is nothing wrong with trying to make your time together special, it is important to remember that your children need appropriate boundaries, and they must be applied as consistently as possible. Kids will test the boundaries and will probably never ask for them, but knowing those boundaries are there and that parents are concerned and competent enough to provide them, helps children to feel secure. Boundaries communicate that parents care and that they are in control. That allows a child to stop worrying about parenting himself and focus on being a child.
  7. Create family traditions in your new family. These provide opportunities for mutual support and evidence that the child is part of a loving family.
  8. Teach your child how to cope with emotions like sadness, anger, and shock in healthy ways. This is best done by example, but it also helps to know how to explain healthy coping techniques should your child request your advice.
  9. Provide positive examples. Your children may not obey you, but they are learning from the way you handle yourself.
    • Healthy relationships. Allow your children to witness you and others in healthy relationships (romantic and other types of relationships).
    • Communication & conflict-resolution skills. Let them see you practicing good communication skills. Let them see you in conflict with someone else, but be sure to show them a positive resolution of that conflict.
    • Emotional coping skills. Finally, don’t hide your emotions, or your children will too. On the other end of the spectrum, don’t feed sadness and anger with self-pitying statements or anecdotes about your victimhood. Let them see you acknowledging your emotions, understanding them, reframing them, and coming up with a positive way to handle the situation that is within your control. If you do, your children will learn to do the same.