When couples are asked “What are the major sources of conflict in marriage?” the top two sited topics are sex and money. Still, people often site financial reasons as a reason to move in together. They think, “We’re going to save money on rent, food, etc. We’ll have twice the resources and therefore half the expense.” Sounds logical. But then, why is money a continued source of conflict?

Some people believe that more money is the solution. “If only we had more…” Then they may focus on increasing household income, but with more time invested in the work required to make the extra cash, sometimes, more money just leads to more money problems. Like many issues, fights about money aren’t necessarily about money, but about other issues, including self-esteem, security, and control. Many questions come to mind, such as, “Will I earn enough to provide for my family?” “Am I valuable to my husband without a monthly financial income?” “Will we have enough money for the future? To achieve our dreams?” “Why does my spouse waste money on useless things?” These questions about money aren’t really about money, and having more money typically won’t protect you and your spouse from these issues of acceptance and security. You can create a financial plan and a teamwork approach to handling this and other issues that will make you both feel safe and secure.

Here are some tips and ideas to remember:

  1. Practice teamwork. There isn’t a “right way” to manage money. We all come from different families of origin, have had different life experiences, and are different in biology and temperament. The chances that you and your spouse will have identical ideas about how to manage money (or anything else) are pretty slim. We all bring different attitudes and priorities into our relationships. Talk about these differences, and remember, that your way isn’t necessarily the “right way”. There is often more than one right way to solve a problem. When it comes to attitudes and priorities, just because your partner may have different priorities from yours doesn’t make those priorities wrong. It’s most important that you work as a team to come up with a system for managing money that works for both of you.
  2. Plan to how you will manage your household finances. Will you have separate accounts or joint accounts? Will you split the bills or pay them together? If you decide to pay them together, who will take care of monthly bills for the household? Will both partners work? Create an annual budget and make adjustments as necessary. Do you need to reduce expenses or increase your income? Set up a system that you both feel comfortable with and choose a person to execute it. You might consider using Quicken software, so that both of you have access to your financial data at all times. Find a system that works for you.
  3. Plan for the future. Do you dream of a home, private school education for your children, or annual vacations? Make those dreams into goals by outlining a financial plan to get there. Decide what you’re aiming for, what you’re willing to give up to get it, and how and when you will make your dreams a reality. Don’t forget about insurance, retirement, and other financial planning.
  4. Separate money issues from hidden issues. If your partner feels criticized, rejected, insecure about her financial future and livelihood, or like he’s “not the provider he ought to be”, realize that these are not money issues but deeper acceptance issues. Reassure your partner that his value to you has very little to do with money and everything to do with his character, who he really is. Take a teamwork approach to solving your money problems, be sensitive and accepting of your partner’s viewpoint, and try not to view differences as criticisms. Instead, accept and value your partner’s opinion. If your spouse stays home with the children, make sure that that contribution is recognized and valued. Remember: There is more than one correct perspective on any issue. If you can take a teamwork, problem-solving approach and apply it to this and other issues in your marriage, your bond will be stronger and deeper as a result.

Having honest conversations about your finances will lead to better financial planning and more time and energy for other things. To learn more about handling inevitable problems as a team and nurturing the fun and friendship in your relationship, visit Forever. For Real. to find a free relationship workshop. Engaged couples can save $45 on their marriage licenses. We have two one day events coming up, on July 17 in Tulsa, and July 24 in Oklahoma City. These one-day workshops are designed for couples in stepfamilies. I’ll be at the Tulsa workshop. I hope to see you there!