Few people get married with the intention to divorce, but sometimes, due to irreparable damage, divorce is best case scenario for everyone involved. Children will likely be sad, angry, and shocked. You can’t save your kids from those feelings, but it’s up to you whether your children experience security and understanding versus anxiety and self-blame. Parents have a great opportunity to promote feelings of safety, security, and understanding after divorce.

In honor of National Child-Centered Divorce Month, we wanted to provide four easy-to-remember ways that you can create a child-centered divorce.

First, know the warning signs.

Watch for physical manifestations of anxiety, such as hair-pulling, bed-wetting, tummy aches, and other physical symptoms. Often young children don’t know how to articulate their feelings, even to themselves, and these physical symptoms result.

Also, watch for problems in school. Acting out behavior or learning difficulties are common in school-age children, and a risky rush into poor adolescent coping mechanisms, such as promiscuity, drug use, and gang involvement, are more common in pre-teens and teens.

Third, watch for perfectionism. If your child seems to have no reaction or feelings about the divorce, is extremely eager to help and to please his/her parents, and acts as if nothing has changed, it is possible that your child is trying to hide his/her feelings from you, and he/she may be coping by trying to take responsibility and control over his life. While taking ownership of one’s life is a positive way to cope, some children do this as a form of self-protection. They compensate for their worry about their parents’ ability to guide and protect them, and they seek to protect their parents, taking on a lot of responsibility that isn’t necessarily theirs to take. This is most common among children who excel academically. Still, many children deny the reality of the divorce and associated changes because that is the best way for them to cope at this time. In any case, this reaction should serve as a warning: your child may need help.

Finally, any drastic changes in behavior, or drastic contrast between your child’s behavior at school and at home, serves as a warning. If you notice these warning signs, you’ll want to pay special attention to how your child is coping with divorce.

Second, encourage your child to express his feelings in healthy ways.

Bibliotherapy, or reading stories with characters your child can relate to, is one way to cope positively with family change.

Let your child know that you are concerned about how he is feeling and that you want to help. Encourage him to acknowledge his feelings and his wishes about what would have happened. Help him to look for the good in a bad situation and define a positive way to cope with his feelings.

Keep in mind that children will look to you as an example of how to cope positively with uncomfortable emotions. Choose not to wallow in these feelings or deny them completely. Both extremes are unhealthy. As your child witnesses you coping well, he will learn from your example.

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A heart-to-heart lets your child know that you are thinking of her and that you will keep her informed.

Third, let your child know what he can expect to change, and what he  can expect to stay the same.

When you explain the changes that are coming in the near future, you give the child opportunity to mentally prepare for them. When you identify those aspects of his life that will not change, you give him some constants he can hold onto.

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Fourth, come up with a great coparenting plan.

Most couples try to create a united front when it comes to parenting when they are married. It is even more important that parents stick together and have a consistent parenting plan after divorce, because of the child’s needs for structure and the security that comes from knowing that he has competent, caring parents.

Even if your marriage did not work out, if you can come up with a plan that keeps your children front and center, so that you are working as teammates, as parents, for your child, your child will fare much better after divorce.

The Gift of a Child-Centered Divorce

I originally called this “Four Simple Ways to Create a Child-Centered Divorce”, but then I realized that creating a coparenting relationship and teaching your children healthy emotional coping skills are two tasks that are anything but simple. If you’d like more information on how to implement these tips, such as how to create a great coparenting relationship, or how to help a child to cope positively with his feelings, stay tuned, or better yet, subscribe to the blog and I’ll email you when I add a post! I’ll be adding more posts on these topics soon.

These four great ways translate into uncountably many child-centered actions. By recognizing your child’s need for your intervention, addressing his concerns & feelings about the divorce, telling him what will change and what won’t, and drafting a great coparenting plan with your ex-partner, you can create a child-centered divorce and raise secure, confident, well-adjusted kids. These ideas and the actions you take based on them lay an excellent foundation for your child’s future and his future relationships with you and your ex-spouse.

We all have to deal with changes and uncomfortable feelings, and some of those experiences are not pleasant. Parents can prepare their children to cope in positive ways. If we teach children how to cope well with divorce, we give them the skills to cope positively with changes for life, and that is a true gift. Give your children the gift of a child-centered divorce.

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