Teachers have been on my heart lately, probably because of the start of a new semester and my talks with Monica about the challenges facing teachers today.

Teachers are trying to manage classrooms where over half of their students are struggling after divorce…They have 30 students with many more parents and homes to manage, tears to wipe, and distractions to address. They spend more time counseling and handling discipline problems and less time teaching academics. It’s hard to teach reading and math to kids who are distracted by what is happening at home.

Blended Love is trying to help — by giving kids the tools to cope with change and teachers the tools to help their students. We’re working on getting our Calm Classrooms curriculum online, so teachers everywhere can take our staff development course. In the meantime, we offer free web-based resources in our Teacher’s Tool Box — to help them manage communication in the new classroom and help their students to cope positively, so the kids can go back to focusing on their studies and their role: being a child.

Teachers have hearts to educate the student, to help children to reach their potential. A friend posted this video on facebook. It immediately made me think of the teachers we work with at Blended Love, teachers who want to help children develop intellectually, socially, and emotionally. These teachers know that the academic work doesn’t come easily when you neglect the other aspects of the child. Watch the video “The Heart of a Teacher” to see for yourself!

Before Blended Love was born, Monica read her children’s book A Heart With Two Homes to all of the fifth grade students at Skelly Elementary, and then donated three divorce/fiction books to the school library. These books about divorce were checked out frequently, more than the other books — and then a student stole them. Then Monica replaced them, and the books were stolen AGAIN! These books were so helpful to the kids, and the kids wanted them so badly…that they stole them.

So Monica began donating a book to every child, and a preliminary version of our Library Resources program was born. Since then, Blended Love has donated over $7,000 in books to children, books about divorce and family changes. Click the link for more information about our programs.

I shared my own experience as an adult child of divorce. I shared how I witnessed my sister Sara Gene pulling out her hair, and how I lost my sister Jade for ten years as she made many choices that she would later regret (She is now doing well and has been for several years. She’s doing everything within her power to make sure that she doesn’t backslide. To me, she is one of the strongest and most beautiful people in the world, because of her struggle and what she has overcome).

I shared with the attendees that my sisters and I were not alone. There are many children of divorce who feel the need to care for their siblings, whether their parents put that pressure on them or not. There are many children who do this to themselves, like I did. Read Judith Wallerstein’s The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce for more information. There are many children who pull out their hair (it’s called trichotillomania), and otherwise manifest their anxiety physically. Still, there are many like Jade, acting out, engaging in behaviors they don’t like, behaviors they themselves don’t understand…all in an effort to cope with the changes in their lives. While there are some that have it better than we did, many are coping in ways that are much, much worse. But every child copes in the best way they can. Blended Love exists to help children cope positively.

In 2009, God arranged for a meeting. Heather Rouba, Mrs. Oklahoma 2009 (who shared a platform with me — we both have hearts for children and families), suggested I contact Monica Epperson, a woman who ran a nonprofit in Tulsa, aimed at supporting children of divorce. Monica had been praying for a partner, and I had been praying for a way to really help (I had hit some road blocks when I attempted to help children of divorce on my own). Together, we found that we could help so many children…Each of us had found her match in each other. While we run school-based programs — secular programs aimed at helping children to manage their emotions well and helping the teachers and parents in their lives to support them — we also shared a common faith. Both of us pray for the children and teachers we serve every day and both of us are learning to “let go and let God” which is a powerful and beautiful thing for these two type-A personalities…who were accustomed to taking on responsibility that wasn’t theirs. We’re young but our experience makes us old souls. We know what it’s like, because we are Adult Children of Divorce.

After sharing our message about our reason for being, our journey to each other, and our programs: the Change Agent Journal Program (which is our hands-on work with kids in pubic schools), Calm Classrooms in Turbulent Times (our teacher’s course, helping the classroom teacher to manage the changes to today’s classroom…to create calm classrooms in turbulent times), and our Library Resources program (Our book donation program, in which we donate divorce/fiction books to schools and aim to give every child a book) — after all of this, we showed a video of the outstanding people who make all of this happen (our incredible board and volunteers), along with the kids we serve.

I could not be more grateful to Spencer Fisher and Tulsa Gold & Gems for organizing our party and helping us to help children of divorce here in Tulsa. I believe with my whole heart that this movement will spread throughout the nation — and it must begin now. There are children who are suffering every day. The sooner we help them, the better. We are so grateful for the fundraising opportunity and the chance to share our message. Spencer is one of the most generous and gracious people I know and I’m grateful to know him. I believe that as we continue to focus on service and the precious kids we serve, that the donors and grants will come to meet this need in our community.

Very few people are helping these kids — people see them as resilient and not needy, or people see them as broken and lost. We’re one of the few organizations that sees solutions: We know these kids are at risk, but we also know that it doesn’t have to be that way. It all comes down to teaching kids how to manage their emotions well — so we give them the skills, the tools, of emotional intelligence, equipping them for life. Then this “risk” has become an opportunity to develop perseverance, courage and inner strength. What could be better than that?

So now it’s August! LOL We’re over half-way through the month and we have been busy, preparing for big changes within the organization. Kids are going back to school, and so is Blended Love. We’re gearing up to implement fall programs. We’re enlisting the help of all of the wonderful, passionate, and intelligent people that believe in our cause. We’re meeting with the teachers who will soon welcome us into their classrooms. In short (or not-so-short! LOL), we’re gearing up to grow. This year, Blended Love has become less about us (the leadership) and more an entity all its own. While our programs are secular in nature, this is God’s ministry (in my eyes). We use practical business techniques to make sure Blended Love serves children, families, and teachers well into the future, and we use child development and social & emotional intelligence research, to ensure that our programs have a scientific foundation. It’s my belief that truth is truth. I love science — but science has been catching up with God’s truth from the very beginning. Based in truth supported by research, coupled with compassion and experience, I’m praying for God’s guidance and favor as we go into the future.

On our agenda:

• Finishing the online-version of Calm Classrooms in Turbulent Times, our staff development course
• Purchasing supplies for fall programs
• (Possibly!) finding an office space
• and gearing up for Chili on the Square, our annual chili fundraiser event, taking place Friday, October 15 in downtown Tulsa.

So that’s the news from Blended Love, with my personal spin on it! Let me know if you’d like to help or learn more!

SashaMTownsend@gmail.com

Few people get married with the intention to divorce, but sometimes, due to irreparable damage, divorce is best case scenario for everyone involved. Children will likely be sad, angry, and shocked. You can’t save your kids from those feelings, but it’s up to you whether your children experience security and understanding versus anxiety and self-blame. Parents have a great opportunity to promote feelings of safety, security, and understanding after divorce.

In honor of National Child-Centered Divorce Month, we wanted to provide four easy-to-remember ways that you can create a child-centered divorce.

First, know the warning signs.

Watch for physical manifestations of anxiety, such as hair-pulling, bed-wetting, tummy aches, and other physical symptoms. Often young children don’t know how to articulate their feelings, even to themselves, and these physical symptoms result.

Also, watch for problems in school. Acting out behavior or learning difficulties are common in school-age children, and a risky rush into poor adolescent coping mechanisms, such as promiscuity, drug use, and gang involvement, are more common in pre-teens and teens.

Third, watch for perfectionism. If your child seems to have no reaction or feelings about the divorce, is extremely eager to help and to please his/her parents, and acts as if nothing has changed, it is possible that your child is trying to hide his/her feelings from you, and he/she may be coping by trying to take responsibility and control over his life. While taking ownership of one’s life is a positive way to cope, some children do this as a form of self-protection. They compensate for their worry about their parents’ ability to guide and protect them, and they seek to protect their parents, taking on a lot of responsibility that isn’t necessarily theirs to take. This is most common among children who excel academically. Still, many children deny the reality of the divorce and associated changes because that is the best way for them to cope at this time. In any case, this reaction should serve as a warning: your child may need help.

Finally, any drastic changes in behavior, or drastic contrast between your child’s behavior at school and at home, serves as a warning. If you notice these warning signs, you’ll want to pay special attention to how your child is coping with divorce.

Second, encourage your child to express his feelings in healthy ways.

Bibliotherapy, or reading stories with characters your child can relate to, is one way to cope positively with family change.

Let your child know that you are concerned about how he is feeling and that you want to help. Encourage him to acknowledge his feelings and his wishes about what would have happened. Help him to look for the good in a bad situation and define a positive way to cope with his feelings.

Keep in mind that children will look to you as an example of how to cope positively with uncomfortable emotions. Choose not to wallow in these feelings or deny them completely. Both extremes are unhealthy. As your child witnesses you coping well, he will learn from your example.

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A heart-to-heart lets your child know that you are thinking of her and that you will keep her informed.

Third, let your child know what he can expect to change, and what he  can expect to stay the same.

When you explain the changes that are coming in the near future, you give the child opportunity to mentally prepare for them. When you identify those aspects of his life that will not change, you give him some constants he can hold onto.

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Fourth, come up with a great coparenting plan.

Most couples try to create a united front when it comes to parenting when they are married. It is even more important that parents stick together and have a consistent parenting plan after divorce, because of the child’s needs for structure and the security that comes from knowing that he has competent, caring parents.

Even if your marriage did not work out, if you can come up with a plan that keeps your children front and center, so that you are working as teammates, as parents, for your child, your child will fare much better after divorce.

The Gift of a Child-Centered Divorce

I originally called this “Four Simple Ways to Create a Child-Centered Divorce”, but then I realized that creating a coparenting relationship and teaching your children healthy emotional coping skills are two tasks that are anything but simple. If you’d like more information on how to implement these tips, such as how to create a great coparenting relationship, or how to help a child to cope positively with his feelings, stay tuned, or better yet, subscribe to the blog and I’ll email you when I add a post! I’ll be adding more posts on these topics soon.

These four great ways translate into uncountably many child-centered actions. By recognizing your child’s need for your intervention, addressing his concerns & feelings about the divorce, telling him what will change and what won’t, and drafting a great coparenting plan with your ex-partner, you can create a child-centered divorce and raise secure, confident, well-adjusted kids. These ideas and the actions you take based on them lay an excellent foundation for your child’s future and his future relationships with you and your ex-spouse.

We all have to deal with changes and uncomfortable feelings, and some of those experiences are not pleasant. Parents can prepare their children to cope in positive ways. If we teach children how to cope well with divorce, we give them the skills to cope positively with changes for life, and that is a true gift. Give your children the gift of a child-centered divorce.

More and more marriages create stepfamilies. Forming a stepfamily brings about some of the same challenges as any relationship, but due to the sheer number of relationships, stepfamilies face unique circumstances and challenges. The challenges for couples marrying to form stepfamilies is to create a marriage and family at the same time.

Attend an event in Tulsa or Oklahoma City!
I will be attending the Tulsa event. I hope to see you there!

Forever. For Real. for Couples in Stepfamilies-Tulsa
Saturday, July 17 ~ 10 am – 4 pm
Tulsa Technology Center – Riverside Campus
801 East 91st, near the Jenks airport

Forever. For Real. for Couples in Stepfamilies-OKC
Saturday, July 24 ~ 10 am – 4 pm
Moore Norman Technology Center – South Penn Campus
13301 S. Pennsylvania, Oklahoma City

Some people believe that more money is the solution. “If only we had more…” Then they may focus on increasing household income, but with more time invested in the work required to make the extra cash, sometimes, more money just leads to more money problems. Like many issues, fights about money aren’t necessarily about money, but about other issues, including self-esteem, security, and control. Many questions come to mind, such as, “Will I earn enough to provide for my family?” “Am I valuable to my husband without a monthly financial income?” “Will we have enough money for the future? To achieve our dreams?” “Why does my spouse waste money on useless things?” These questions about money aren’t really about money, and having more money typically won’t protect you and your spouse from these issues of acceptance and security. You can create a financial plan and a teamwork approach to handling this and other issues that will make you both feel safe and secure.

Here are some tips and ideas to remember:

1. Practice teamwork. There isn’t a “right way” to manage money. We all come from different families of origin, have had different life experiences, and are different in biology and temperament. The chances that you and your spouse will have identical ideas about how to manage money (or anything else) are pretty slim. We all bring different attitudes and priorities into our relationships. Talk about these differences, and remember, that your way isn’t necessarily the “right way”. There is often more than one right way to solve a problem. When it comes to attitudes and priorities, just because your partner may have different priorities from yours doesn’t make those priorities wrong. It’s most important that you work as a team to come up with a system for managing money that works for both of you.
2. Plan to how you will manage your household finances. Will you have separate accounts or joint accounts? Will you split the bills or pay them together? If you decide to pay them together, who will take care of monthly bills for the household? Will both partners work? Create an annual budget and make adjustments as necessary. Do you need to reduce expenses or increase your income? Set up a system that you both feel comfortable with and choose a person to execute it. You might consider using Quicken software, so that both of you have access to your financial data at all times. Find a system that works for you.
3. Plan for the future. Do you dream of a home, private school education for your children, or annual vacations? Make those dreams into goals by outlining a financial plan to get there. Decide what you’re aiming for, what you’re willing to give up to get it, and how and when you will make your dreams a reality. Don’t forget about insurance, retirement, and other financial planning.
4. Separate money issues from hidden issues. If your partner feels criticized, rejected, insecure about her financial future and livelihood, or like he’s “not the provider he ought to be”, realize that these are not money issues but deeper acceptance issues. Reassure your partner that his value to you has very little to do with money and everything to do with his character, who he really is. Take a teamwork approach to solving your money problems, be sensitive and accepting of your partner’s viewpoint, and try not to view differences as criticisms. Instead, accept and value your partner’s opinion. If your spouse stays home with the children, make sure that that contribution is recognized and valued. Remember: There is more than one correct perspective on any issue. If you can take a teamwork, problem-solving approach and apply it to this and other issues in your marriage, your bond will be stronger and deeper as a result.

Having honest conversations about your finances will lead to better financial planning and more time and energy for other things. To learn more about handling inevitable problems as a team and nurturing the fun and friendship in your relationship, visit Forever. For Real. to find a free relationship workshop. Engaged couples can save $45 on their marriage licenses. We have two one day events coming up, on July 17 in Tulsa, and July 24 in Oklahoma City. These one-day workshops are designed for couples in stepfamilies. I’ll be at the Tulsa workshop. I hope to see you there!

Blended Love is a relatively new organization, with a mission to help a group of children whose needs are often dismissed. Raising awareness of the needs of children of divorce, offering educational opportunities for teachers and parents, equipping students to cope positively with change, and providing resources to meet the immediate needs of our children and partner schools are the ways we accomplish our mission.

Members of the community can help!

1. Educate yourself!
   • Educate yourself about the special needs of children of divorce and how to meet them.
   • Seek out additional resources for teachers and parents through BlendedLove.org and Family & Children’s Services, or the links on the side bar.
2. Connect with us!
   • By connecting via the social media, you show your support and spread awareness through the child of divorce and Friends of Blended Love fan pages, and Monica Epperson and Sasha @ BlendedLove on twitter.
   • Post a link to our pages and profiles on your personal profile page. Social networking works! This is a free way to show your support for our passion.
3. Get involved!
   • Become a Blended Love volunteer .
   • Donate your products or services to help reduce the cost of our programs.
   • Book a Blended Love representative to share our mission and action plan at your organization’s event.
4. Help us serve more children!
   • Make a donation, or attend a Blended Love fundraiser event.
   • Purchase A Heart With Two Homes by Monica Epperson (All royalties go to equipping school libraries with books about divorce and blended families), and
   • Make your Amazon.com purchases through “Shop For Kids” on our website (A percentage of all that you purchase will fund Blended Love’s school-based programs).

By educating yourself, showing support, spreading awareness, and donating your time or money, you can help change our divorce culture and help children of divorce to not only survive, but thrive, learn and grow through this challenging experience. We believe that obstacles are opportunities. Children of divorce are at risk, but they are far from doomed. With your help, they can learn to cope positively with change for life. Thanks for believing!

• security, structure, and stability,
• emotional support and guidance, and
• positive examples of healthy relationships and emotional management skills.

These needs are particularly salient after divorce.

The best ways to help your children after divorce are just actions aimed at meeting these needs. No one can meet your child’s needs better than you can, and no one understands your child and his needs better than you do. There are many ways to meet these needs. You may want to brainstorm the ways that are best for you and your children. Here are nine ways that you can help meet these needs, to get started.

1. Be available to talk to your children.
2. Listen with empathy to your child’s feelings and concerns. Most children want to open up to their parents, to seek comfort and your guidance, and to protect you, from his own sadness, anger, and uncomfortable feelings. When your child opens up to you, your response will determine whether your child chooses to share his feelings with your in the future, or try to cope on his own to protect you. Avoid advice-giving attempts to rescue the child from his feelings and avoid defensive reactions. Instead, reflect back your child’s concerns and the feeling behind them. Then he will feel validated and heard. By listening, you can assess what really concerns your child, rather than relying on your observations or typical reactions to divorce. Don’t worry. The more you listen with empathy, the more likely your children will be to seek out your advice. When they seek your wisdom, you will have the understanding to respond with sensitivity and awareness of the child’s concerns.
3. Outline what will change and what will not change after divorce. This helps your child mentally prepare for the changes and keep them in perspective.
4. Keep promises and avoid making promises too swiftly. When your children know you are dependable and reliable, it not only helps them to feel safe and secure but improves their self-image and their image of you as trustworthy. By keeping your word, your children are likely to do the same.
5. Reassure your child that he still belongs to a loving family. Because of the stigma surrounding divorce, many children feel that their family is broken or different, and that there is something missing in a nontraditional family. The truth is that families come in many shapes and sizes. Assure him that you will continue to love him and be there for him, even in this new family constellation.
6. Define appropriate boundaries and consistently enforce them. After divorce, the primary custodial parent often feels overwhelmed, and this leads to inconsistent enforcement of boundaries and household rules. We also hear a lot about the “Disneyland Dad” or the “Disney dad“, who spends his time-limited weekends with his children, taking them on extravagant outings and offering few rules or guidelines in his time with them. While there is nothing wrong with trying to make your time together special, it is important to remember that your children need appropriate boundaries, and they must be applied as consistently as possible. Kids will test the boundaries and will probably never ask for them, but knowing those boundaries are there and that parents are concerned and competent enough to provide them, helps children to feel secure. Boundaries communicate that parents care and that they are in control. That allows a child to stop worrying about parenting himself and focus on being a child.
7. Create family traditions in your new family. These provide opportunities for mutual support and evidence that the child is part of a loving family.
8. Teach your child how to cope with emotions like sadness, anger, and shock in healthy ways. This is best done by example, but it also helps to know how to explain healthy coping techniques should your child request your advice.
9. Provide positive examples. Your children may not obey you, but they are learning from the way you handle yourself.
   • Healthy relationships. Allow your children to witness you and others in healthy relationships (romantic and other types of relationships).
   • Communication & conflict-resolution skills. Let them see you practicing good communication skills. Let them see you in conflict with someone else, but be sure to show them a positive resolution of that conflict.
   • Emotional coping skills. Finally, don’t hide your emotions, or your children will too. On the other end of the spectrum, don’t feed sadness and anger with self-pitying statements or anecdotes about your victimhood. Let them see you acknowledging your emotions, understanding them, reframing them, and coming up with a positive way to handle the situation that is within your control. If you do, your children will learn to do the same.

If the marriage is physically abusive, I believe the best time to exit the situation is as soon as possible. Your children fear for their safety, your safety, and that of their siblings. In homes where there is a high conflict marriage, if the parents involved will be more civil after divorce, the best time to end it is often as soon as possible. Witnessing escalating conflict and their parents hurting each other often leads to fear, distrust, anxiety, self-esteem issues, and problems with communication and conflict resolution in their own relationships. Your children need to see that healthier relationships are possible so they (and you) can begin to heal. Still, in high-conflict marriages, there is the possibly that the divorce will escalate and continue the conflict. The high-conflict postdivorce parenting and the accompanying changes of divorce itself put children severely at risk. All of these possibilities need to be weighed when considering divorce. It’s also important to note that a “high-conflict marriage” is difficult to measure and is very subjective.

In low-conflict marriages, many developmentalists (researchers in many fields who study human development) believe that infants are most at risk, because of their developmental needs for security and stability for attachment. Children may also be at risk during the preteen years. Many preteens rush into risky adolescent behavior. Children in the 5-7 age group are particularly at risk for regression, because they are learning to get along in the world of peers and need the stability of home life to be able to focus on the playground and in the classroom, but these theories are based on qualitative research. There is little quantitative research to support a given age as a worst or best time for parents to divorce.